Lord and Lady of the Land

It's a funny thing when you go from being renters to owners. Nothing physically changes. The house is the same, the land is the same, the kids are the same, the neighborhood is the same. You clean the house the same, mow the lawn the same, get the mail every day the same. Yet everything changes. Your whole mentality changes. Or to be really honest here, your mentality is TRYING to change. It's like your brain is behind a day or two. So everything changes. Like overnight. Like as soon as you sign the last paper from the stack of paper that probably took 200 trees to make that stack of paper.

One minute you are renting. You can't change anything in the house. You are continually aware of the fact that everything in the house is NOT YOURS. You have to be extra careful that the kids, cats, dogs, what have you, behave and do not destroy the house. You always worry if the owners will sell the house out from under you (been there, done that), get divorced and kick you out so he can live there (been there, done that again), drop in unannounced (yup), inspect everything (uh huh), or even lose the house and you have no choice but to move (happened to our neighbors just a few months ago). So every car that slows down outside freaks you out because you worry if the owner is losing the house or considering selling or sending over people to "check up" on it.

So here's the conversation between Paul and I a few days ago:

Me: "Someone slowed down right outside the house today and I felt that familiar panic rise up in me again. Are the landlords losing the house? Are they selling it out from under us? And then I think, Wait a minute! I'M the owner! I'M the Lady of the Land! That would make you Lord of the Land, you know."

Paul (in his best aristocratic voice): Lord of the Land! Lord of the Manor, even! Care to have a spot of tea, my dear?"

Me: "No, you're supposed to call me Lady April."

Paul: "No. Lords don't call their wives Lady April."

Me: "You're right. That would be more like calling our daughter Lady Dianna and our son Lord Timothy. You're supposed to call me Lady Russell! Like Lady Grantham!"

Paul: "I will not call you Lady Russell or Lady April. And do they call sons Lord? I don't think that is used for the sons..."

Me: "Well, on Downton Abbey the daughters are called Lady and then their first name. I would assume the sons would be called Lord and then their first name. You know, since I'm Lady Russell and you're Lord Russell, our house has to have a name. Maybe Russell Manor!"

Paul: "No. No. I'm Lord of Yellow Stone Manor."

Me: "This house doesn't have stone..."

Paul: "No, but it sounds cool."

Me: "I suppose.... What about Yellow House Abbey?"

Paul: "No. That sounds sissy. I'm Lord of Yellow Stone Manor."

Me: "Fine. Then from here on out you must call me Lady Russell."

Paul: "I'm not calling you Lady Russell."

Me: "Fine, I'll make all of our friends call me Lady Russell."

Paul: "They'll call you Looney Tunes, that's what they'll call you."

Me: "And we need to get a servant!"

Paul: "A servant???"

Me: "At least one servant. One that cooks and cleans. And I'll have them serve us and our friends tea and crumpets when they come over. And they must call me Lady Russell and call you Lord Russell and call our friends Lady and Lord too. And our friends will call us Lady and Lord and we'll call them Lady and Lord too!"

Paul (looking at me as if I've grown a second head on my shoulders): "I'll come visit you at the mental hospital every Sunday."

Me: "And the workers there would have to call me Lady Russell. And so would you."

Paul: "Sure, dear. Whatever you say."